Monday, November 21, 2011

Flexibility and Experience

Mr. Dickson was a good teacher. I remember when I was in a high school debate class he gave me a position to argue that I didn't agree with. I complained, "But Mr. Dickson, I can't argue for this. I don't agree with it!"

"Well," he said in his droll manner, "all the better if you don't. You'll be forced to look at the other side and try to understand it. You could even change your mind!" As it turned out I won the debate and even though it did not change my mind I could see the other side clearly and not be so adamantly sure of myself.

All of life seems at times to be a debate, a tug of war, between one's own sense of right and another's. I'm thinking in particular now of modern morality. Today's standards for many young people are much looser than in my generation. I ask myself, Can I maintain that mine were better? Must I be flexible in all cases? I think so, for at this time of my life I'm willing to admit I am not omniscient, especially when I have a strong opinion. I'm finding that my standards and opinions might well be superseded by another greater standard. That standard is love and the willingness to let go of personal opinion in the surety that time and experience will resolve all issues.

"Times have changed since your day, Grandma," my beautiful granddaughter said when the subject of premarital sex came up. "Yes, but not for the better," I thought. My answer, "Yes, dear, I can see that." It was not an argument, just an observation and it went no farther. Although I was sure of my sense of morality and knew I had the opportunity, if not the duty, to voice it, I let myself willingly be silent and take up an inner debate on the other side, as Mr. Dickson had taught.

A lot of water has passed under the bridge since I was a Puritan teenager, chaste, but married at nineteen.   I've seen my own virtues and previous beliefs challenged. So where do I stand today?

Flexibility seems now to be the answer. How can one be flexible and still be true to oneself?  Is there a case for arguing an issue out verbally with another, or is there a greater virtue in arguing silently with oneself? Might there be another greater law, a higher law, the law of love? Does love allow one to let her loved ones go another direction that seems wrong, or stake a battleground for sure defeat? I may be right, I thought, but I could win the argument to myself and lose it to someone I love. So, I'm willing to admit  that I may be wrong and when I've argued the other side I'm better able to understand. Frankly, I'm not so sure of a number of really solid positions to call my own right now.

My children and grandchildren and I understand where we're each coming from and can be flexible. We may be honestly open about differences, but there's no tug of war with them, not even in fun. No one gains by bashing out differences that we're not likely to resolve amicably. Still we are all on one page when it comes to the highest law of all, the law of Love. I think the younger generations probably know more about this law than mine. While the old religious approach drew a circle to shut any other views out, the present generation draws a circle to include a wider range of standards and the freedom to make their own choices.

Time and experience tend to resolve issues and I find it quite interesting to see how political pundits today punish the looser attitudes in public servants that they may overlook in themselves. Only a generation or so back the the political norm was to hide moral indiscretions of leaders, cloaking them in discreet silence and even honor. Hypocrisy is the one thing that seems to stay in style.

If the world can outlive the nastier kinds of war, the tug of war today, seen best in democracy and it's noisy debates, will not be waged with a sturdy inflexible rope. Rather, it seems the rope is as flexible as a strong rubber band. We pull and get snapped back. It's muddy and messy, but somehow I think, in personal as well as public affairs, that the law of Love is on the field quietly overseeing the whole shebang and waiting patiently for things to turn out perfectly in the end. Experience and flexibility make a pretty good team no matter what side you're on, and Love will be cheering for all sides with a big smile at the end of the game.

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